Laughable vows of fanfiction
by everfire
Summary: At a wedding we find out the vows that people break in fanfiction. It's funny as Hi.Don't read if you will get offended by just about anything.


"I Write Sins Not Tragedies"

Intro...

Feet hit the cold ground as people hurry to get inside. The sounds resound with the feeling of rush and excitement.

_Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor,_

Botan flipped her hair as she moved about checking the decorations. She smiled, today had to be perfect. It looked just great in here. She let herself giggle girlishly for a moment.

_and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words:_

Suddenly she recognized a voice. Shizeru! She was here and hadn't said hi yet. That was a bit distressing. Never mind. Botan would just go and say hello herself. She paused.

_"What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter._

"What a beautiful wedding!" Shizeru exclaimed easily. She looked to a man who was smiling at her darkly.

"Yes it's lovely. Full of beautiful people."

"I wonder what the bride will look like. I bet she's excited. Normally I wouldn't be caught dead at an affair like this, but I know her personally you see. I'm happy for her."

"Yes, I like her as well."

"Why haven't I seen you around before. I'm more of an acquaintance to the bride, herself however I am rather fond of her. I know the best man however."

_"And yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore."_

"Really?"

"Yes." She waited for him to finish. It never happened.

"How do you know Kurama?"

"Kurama? You know that name?"

"Yes, I'm rather close to him."

"Oh?" He sounded genuinely surprised. "I only thought clients knew that name."

"What?" She asked coyly.

"Well, He is a whore."

_I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"_

Hiei was suddenly there. His eyes burned with procession. His katana about to flash free from its sheath.

_No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality._

"Hiei, Please calm down, It's very nice to see you again Shizeru and is that really you Haru? It's been much too long." Kurama's words came out as one sentence and one breath. The rest of the group simply blink.

_I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"_

The general bustle was offset by a loud and rather rude Yusuke. "Hello?! Are you hoping that the snow inside the church will make a good decoration?" He was fiddling with his tie and making obvious gestures toward the astonished maw of the church. "It's fucking cold in here!"

"Yusuke! Today is a very important day! How could you curse like that in the church?!" Botan exclaimed(adding in some extra exclamation points I forgot).

"Ah," Mused Kurama from across the pews "The priest finally arrives"

_No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of..._

Koenma, teenaged and decked out, walked into the church. He tried to move about in his robes and found it rather difficult by the looks of things. "Why is this door open?" He said slowly as if saying each word through clenched teeth. "Don't you know how fucking cold it is outside or did you miss the snow?"

_Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way,_

Yukina clapped her hands together in an attempt to get everyone's attention. Everyone quieted their voices as much as could be expected.

"We're getting started everyone so please be quiet and give your attention to the priest and those getting married."

"Yukina, love are we getting married? I'm so happy!" Kuawbara screamed out from the crowd.

"No."

_I mean technically our marriage is saved_

"You ready Yusuke?" asked Koenma.

"Yeah" He grabbed Koenma's hand and pulled him in for a soft kiss, their lips just touching.

"Yusuke!" Koenma yelled. "I have to marry you."

"Yeah...and?"

_Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne_

"I was wondering when Yusuke was gonna say something." Kurama mused.

" Wait he's getting married to Keiko right?" Haru stated confusedly.

"Like she'd marry him" Shizeru brought up pointedly.

"What?" Haru looked at her his confusion growing. "So who is getting married?"

"Well obviously you know, I mean you are here" Shizeru pointed out

"I thought I did but now I'm rather confused." Haru looked it too.

"It does seem like we're all getting married huh?" Kurama's wistful voice carried just a bit too much.

"Cheers to that, you hear that Yukina now we can get married." Kuawbara's drunk voice was heard everywhere as well.

"No we can't. I'm a girl and you're a boy. What is wrong with you?" Yukina said shocked.

"It's that way in the human world." Yusuke said helpfully.

"It is in the Makkai too but not for ice demons or fire demons. Look at my brother." Yukina countered.

Kurama laughed and blushed a little moving closer to Hiei.

"Now don't you too get married too or we'll all lose our whore." Shizeru said popping open a can of beer.

"Shizeru you shouldn't be drinking." Yukina sighed at her.

"But, but, it's a celebration."

_Oh! Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved_

"Yeah and if we're plastered we wont remember stuff like being turned down by Yukina." Kuawbara snickered. Yukina sighed.

"Yeah and I won't have to kill Hiei for coming too close to my Fox." Yusuke tried just a little edge in his voice.

"And I won't kill you for saying that." Hiei growled.

"It's the perfect wedding." Kurama's voice came out monotone and sarcastic but no one seemed to notice.

_Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne, pour the champagne_

"I don't drink" Keiko came out wearing her wedding dress.

"We have grape juice" Botan's happy squeel at seeing Keiko. " You look lovely!"

"Thank you." she replied.

"Who is getting married?" Haru asked again.

"All of us now." Kurama said in his monotone.

"Who let the normal guy in?" Koenma asked as Yusuke kissed his neck.

_I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"_

"What on earth is going on here." Haru asked to no one in particular.

"Yusuke aren't you supposed to be saying I do to me?" Keiko screamed.

"I do" He mumbled from his task.

"You don't need him. Yeah you have us." Keiko and Botan gave her a kiss from both sides.

She laughed. "I think I'd rather be with Yuki, your not taken, right?"

"You wanna be with me?" Said Yukina as she blushed.

"She is so taken!" Kuawbara yelled.

"If you don't mind?" Keiko prodded.

"Well," She said shyly.

"Yes?" Keiko asked.

"I've already given my heart to someone..." Yukina mumbled.

_No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality._

"Who?" Keiko said "Do you really love them."

"No, I don't but who I love I can never be with?" Yukina rushed. "I promised Botan I wouldn't tell but, if it's just between me and you..." She trailed off.

"But everyone can hear you." Haru said.

"Yep." More monotone from Kurama.

"I've been with Botan but I just can't love her, Who I really love is...Kurama."

"Kurama's a guy that means I stand a chance" Kuawabara's distant voice echoed in the backgroud.

"Oh no Kuawbara heard me! What will I tell him Keiko."

"Don't worry I'll make it better." Keiko stage-whispered.

_I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"_

"You can't do that in a church!" Haru screamed. "Get a room or something!"

"You'd be better off joining in they can't hear you." Kurama stated.

"No My love is off with someone else!" Yusuke said as he was stripping the clothes off Koenma.

"I'm a priest" Koenma said. "I have given myself to God"

"You'll be saying God with me as you do in Sunday service." Yusuke huskily replied.

"NOW A PRIEST" Haru screeched.

"He isn't a priest." Kurama said

"Then how do you explain _that!_" Haru replied.

Kurama shrugged "AU?"

"WHAT?"

_No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality._

"This can't be happening." Haru dead panned

"It is rather improbable." Said L who randomly has appeared next to Haru. "I'd say the likeliness of this is -18890 if that percentage existed"

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH Who the hell are you? How did you get here."

"I walked here from a deathnote fanfiction that never was finished."

"Well Kurama, how do you explain this one."

"Unexplained crossover happening halfway through a fanfiction." L and Kurama said at the same time.

"Ah yes that makes perfect sense." Haru said. "Hey where did Kurama go?"

"Well being as that we were doppleganger's one of us had to die when we saw our other self."

"Right."

_Again..._

"Yukina why didn't you tell me you were a man?" Keiko said slowly.

"I'm so sorry Keiko but I was ashamed I feel like my true self this way" Yukina whispered.

"Wearing women's clothes?"

"No as a man wearing women's clothes. I used to be a woman, but then because my sister, Hiei was only attracted to me as a woman and was feeling so guilty about it...I don't know I just wanted us to be sister's together."

"Hiei's a woman?" Keiko asked.

"No he's not." L said his hand in Hiei's crotch "I have conclusive evidence in the other direction."

"Hiei's not a woman." Keiko said defiantly to Yukina.

"Damn, I never get these details right is straight-esque twinsest still fine." Yukina said to herself.

_I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"_

"My love has scorned me once again, but I was never really in love with her I loved Keiko but Keiko only had eyes for Yusuke and Botan and now Yukina." Kuawbara sobbed

"So Yukina is in love with Kurama who is with her Brother who she thought was a sister who she's been invoved with and..." Haru continues to map out all the pairings he has seen so far. "And all of this comes out in a church!?!"

"Yes some things should stay in the darkness of the closet where they belong." The author said to haru.

"I agree." Haru agrees.

_No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality._

"Don't worry I wont tell anyone Kuawbara, You can cry here."

"You really mean it Yusuke?" Kuawbara inquires of his best friend.

"Yes." Yusuke says.

"I love you. And I always have, and always will Kuawbara." (Typos they never fix)

"Did you just confess to yourself."

"Yes it's the only person who has ever loved me."

"I've loved you." (Sappy confessions) "I'll always be there." (Cryptic messages that sound sappy but really don't make any sense or sound stalker-esque)

"What about Koenma?" Kuawbara asked

"I wont tell him if you don't." Yusuke said.

"I'm right here!" Koenma shouted from the background. "I can see you!"

"Do you really love me?" Kuawbara asked.

"Yes."

"I don't want to get into a relationship yet because my heart was broken."

"Yeah yeah me too I mean My wife is with your Yukina, She's a he by the way."

"Wait does that mean Keiko's straight?"

"I guess."

"So...cool."

"Yeah."

"But They look really hot over there huh?"

"Yeah"

"Wait does that mean I'm gay?"

"Tabun"(random Japanese- probably)

"Oh so I can have sex with you."

"Yeah"

"Am I as pretty as Keiko."

"Sure, especially if your blowing me cause then I don't have to look at you face."

"Really?"

"Yep, sexy as hell."

"K"

"Fuck me already!"

"Ok I got it mr.Seme."

"You got that right now let's fight for dominance."

"Why is that necessary?"

"Where did you learn that big word? Good doggie."

"I read it on a ceral box."

"Cute" Yusuke slurred " Are you rally talking while doing that?"

"Yeash ish possishibleh"

"Your hair is tickling my belly"

"Sorrth" 'Sorry' Gasped Kuawbara

_I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"_

"Wow I did NOT NEED to KNOW that."

"Why not breaking rules is fun."

"Unexplained dialogue without establishing speakers."

_No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality._

"I'm going to hell for this" Said Botan as she took pictures. "Hee hee that's funny. Do I take myself or what?_"_

"I'll send you to hell and beyond" Said a voice.

"Ahhh...Oh it's you koenma." Botan said. "Hey weren't you a teenager earlier why are you chibi now?"

"The better to reach the parts of you I care about."

"Hai?"

Or she could have said "Hi" we aren't sure.

"Hmm...pedophile..." Haru said in a monotone "Why am I not surprised?"

_Again..._

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" You wake up "OMG I was dreaming in Bad fanfiction...Breathe breathe." You say.

Now go home and beat off to this.


End file.
